Someone wished away the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Galaxy Rangers characters. I admit that this fic is mostly my deranged personal fantasy. I wish they'd bring the series back. But if they won't I guess it's us fan fiction writers to pick up the slack! Of course with my insane mind you gotta be…
The madness began when Doc and Niko went on patrol and responded to a typical distress call, which of course turned out to be not so typical.
"I gotta admit Kidd, I love what you've done to the ship," Doc chuckled as he looked at the Iron Falcon. Or what was left of it that had crashed on a moon. Fortunately the moon had oxygen so the Iron Falcon's crew was alive. But they were clearly distressed.
The cause of the crash was not by laser fire or any other means of violence, but that the entire ship had been turned to actual gold. "A ship made entirely of gold is pretty hard to fly," Niko mused. "Especially in outer space."
"It's all this thing's fault!" Captain Kidd shouted as he held up an ugly gold statue. "No wonder Brappo sold it to me cheaply!"
"What is it?" Doc picked up the doll.
"It's a Po Mutant Wishing Doll," Captain Kidd moaned. "It's supposed to make your wishes come true! But mine turned into a nightmare! Do you have any idea how much starships cost these days! My insurance won't cover this!"
"Let me guess, you wished for gold and this is what you got?" Niko looked at him. "Well at least we know it works."
"Rangers I'm telling you this thing is jinxed!" Captain Kidd shouted. "Those Po Mutants were crazy! Look at my ship!"
"Can't you just sell it for another ship?" Doc asked.
"A ship made entirely of gold isn't exactly a hot commodity," Kidd snapped at him. "Even if I melted it down into pieces it still wouldn't be enough to cover all my expenses! Look at my crew!"
Several crew members were bandaged up. "What happened to them?" Niko asked.
"Squeegie made a wish for some bananas," Captain Kidd moaned. "All of the sudden our on board food dispenser started shooting out bananas! They were coming out like giant yellow bullets! And if that wasn't bad enough all of the sudden these giant six foot bananas appeared out of nowhere and quashed the rest of my crew!"
"That does explain the yellow gunk all over the place," Doc wrinkled his nose. "And the smell."
"Ooohh Bad Bananas…" Squeegie moaned. The poor furry creature's head was bandaged.
"We all got squashed," One pirate covered in banana gunk moaned. "And then we slipped on the peels and broke our backs…"
"And thanks to my crew's contract I'm liable for all their medical bills and I have to pay them! And that's not the worst of it! Blammo here wanted to grow some hair and look at him!" Kidd pointed.
There was a seven foot tall alien covered in green hair that looked like an alien version of Cousin It. "Anybody have a pair of scissors?" Blammo asked.
"Wow," Doc blinked. "I wouldn't want to pay that hairdresser bill."
"Please Galaxy Rangers take this cursed thing away!" Kidd sunk to his knees and started sobbing. He clung to Doc's knees and bawled. "Oh please, please, please…"
"Well," Doc handed the doll over to Niko. "When you put it that way…"
"This doll has incredible psychic vibrations," Niko blinked. "I guess we're just lucky that it isn't as deadly as the sensation doll."
"Wanna bet?" The injured pirates screamed.
"It took us twenty minutes to get Captain Kidd to stop crying," Niko laughed as she related the story to Zach, Zozo and his sister Mrs. Zee. Mrs. Zee had come to visit her brother on a quick trip to get away from her kids for a while. She had also brought one of her famous pies for the Rangers to snack on.
"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy," Zach snorted before he ate another forkful of pie. "This is really good pie Mrs. Zee!"
"I'm so glad you like it Captain," The Kiwi female grinned. "It's worth taking a short break from my husband and children to come visit my brother."
"A nice quiet break is good for everyone now and then," Zozo chuckled. Then a loud commotion could be heard. "What in the world…?"
"Will you all get away from me?" Doc shouted. Several small robots were following him. "Go on! Shoo! Git!" All but one left. "You too!"
"Doc! We love you Doc!" The tiny robot hugged his leg with his little arms.
"Doc? What's going on?" Zach asked.
"I don't know!" Doc snapped. "Ever since we landed every robot and computer program within fifty feet of me suddenly has a crush on me!"
Just then the Tri-D turned on. The computer program inside it chirped. "And now a viewer request from the Tri-D TV to Doc Hartford!" The video of the song 'To Sir With Love' started to play.
"See what I mean?" Doc pointed.
"Doc…" Niko realized something. "Did you make a wish on the Poe Wishing Doll before you handed it in to Commander Walsh?"
"I didn't make a wish!" Doc snapped. "Well not out loud anyway."
"What do you mean?" Zach stopped eating.
"It means that somehow the Poe Wishing Doll must have sensed your thoughts," Niko realized. "Since you touched it Doc your secret desires are coming true."
"Wonderful," Doc moaned as the little robot happily hugged Doc. "I always wanted to be the greatest computer doctor in the world but this is ridiculous!"
"So much for a quiet visit," Zozo tried to plug his ears as the song from the Tri-D grew louder. "Could you turn the volume down?"
"Sorry," The Tri-D program said.
"Oh this is funny," Niko laughed.
"I wouldn't laugh if I were you, Niko. You touched it too," Doc gave her a look. "You might get your secret heart's desire."
"Unlike you, my desires are under control," Niko gave him a look.
"Well I desire another piece of pie," Zozo snickered.
"I had two pies but one of them is missing," Mrs. Zee shrugged. "Someone must have eaten it."
"I can't blame them. This is delicious. What kind of pie is this?" Niko asked enjoying the taste.
"Lingling Berry Pie," Mrs. Zee grinned.
Everyone stopped eating. "Lingling berries!" Zozo nearly coughed it out.
"Not Lingling berries!" Niko groaned.
"Lingling berries are a banned substance at BETA!" Zach told her.
"Why?" Mrs. Zee asked.
"HELLO EVERYBODY!" Shane Gooseman practically danced into the room, his eyes spinning wildly. "WHAT A GREAT DAY!"
"That's why!" Zach groaned. "Goose please tell me you didn't eat the whole pie!"
"Okay I won't," Shane giggled.
"What's going on?" Mrs. Zee asked.
"Lingling berries make Supertroopers drunk," Zozo explained. "We learned that the hard way!"
"It completely reverses the Gooseman's personality," Doc moaned. "Instead of being a violent nutcase he becomes a happy nutcase!"
"Hi Niko!" Shane waved.
"Shane I am telling you now I do not want to play Twister!" Niko groaned.
"Awwww…" Shane pouted making puppy dog eyes at her. "So what do you want to play Niko?"
"How about we play a nice game of Checkers!" The little robot on Doc's legs suggested happily.
"NO!" Doc yelled at the robot.
"Aww come on, you know you want to…" The little robot purred. "We never go anywhere anymore. It feels like the magic is going from our relationship."
"Back off you little pipsqueak!" The Tri-D program snapped. "He's mine!"
"Yeah! Well I don't see a purchase code from Transistor Town on him!" The robot snapped. "So why don't you go unplug yourself?"
"Why don't you make me?" The Tri-D snapped.
"Maybe I will!" The little robot unhooked himself from Doc and made a fist.
"Watch it short stuff or I'll erase your programming!" The Tri-D snapped.
"Ooh what are you gonna do? Change the channels on me?" The robot mocked.
"This is going to be one of those weird afternoons you're always telling me about isn't it?" Mrs. Zee asked her brother.
"Looks like it Sis," Zozo sighed.
"Boy is it warm in here…" Shane was sweating slightly and his eyes had a glazed look in them. Without thinking he pulled off his gloves and started to unbutton his shirt.
"Shane…" Niko's eyes widened. "What are you doing?"
"I feel so warm and…" Shane closed his eyes as he removed his shirt. "These clothes itch…"
"Oh my…" Doc snickered. "I think I know what Niko's secret desire is. And it's about to come true!"
"SHUT UP DOC!" Niko shouted. She turned back to Shane. "Goose! Shane Gooseman! No! Stop it! Don't take off your pants! NO! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"
"But I feel so much better without them," Shane purred, now down to his underclothing. He removed his undershirt. "Oh that feels so good…"
"Okay Sis I think we'd better leave now!" Zozo grabbed his sister's hand.
"Why? I'm enjoying the view," Mrs. Zee snickered.
"WHAT?" Zozo yelled.
"Oh grow up Zozo," His sister gave him a look.
"YOU GROW UP! COME ON!" He dragged her out of the room.
"BUT WE'RE GETTING TO THE BEST PART!" She shouted.
"YOU ARE A SICKO!" Zozo screamed.
"Goose! Put your clothes back on!" Zach shouted.
"No," Shane pouted. "Don't wanna! Besides, Niko likes me like this."
"No I don't!" Niko denied.
"Uh, uh uh…" Shane wagged his finger. "You're lying. I can smell your pheromones and you like what you see."
Doc and Zach gave Niko a look. "Okay maybe a little…" Niko blushed. "BUT NOT NOW! NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF REC ROOM!"
"Oh," Shane grinned. "I get it now. You wanna play. Can't catch me!" Shane sprinted out of the room.
"Way to go Niko," Doc mocked. "Boy your desires are really under control aren't they?"
"SHUT UP DOC!" Niko turned bright red. She grabbed Shane's clothes and ran after him. "GOOSE COME BACK HERE AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON!"
"This I have got to see!" Doc laughed and ran into the hallway. "WHAT THE…?"
"Doc! Doc! Doc!" Several robots and programs were heard chanting outside.
"Hey! Put me down! AAAAAHHHHH!" Doc was heard screaming.
"HA HA HA!" The little robot was waving the remote in front of the Tri-D. "You're not so tough without this aren't you! Dance! DANCE!"
"HEY! CUT IT OUT!" The Tri-D shouted as the channel was changed several times. "NO! NOT LIFETIME! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
"HA HA HA HA!" The robot laughed manically. "YES! SUFFER THROUGH A WHOLE MARATHON OF MOVIES ABOUT DRUNKEN HOUSEWIVES THAT ARE SECRETLY PROSTITUTES! HA HA HA HA!"
"You know I actually remember a time when my life was normal," Zach sighed as he ran after his team mates. "Those were peaceful days!"
Meanwhile Commander Walsh was looking at the Po Wishing Doll in his office. He shook his head and put it down on his desk. "Secret heart's desire. Ha! What a load of baloney!"
That's when Shane burst into the office, wearing only his boxer shorts. "She'll never find me in here!" He giggled.
"Gooseman! What the blazes…" Walsh roared.
"Daddy?" Shane blinked. "DADDY!"
"Oh no…no…NO!" Walsh gasped for air as Shane grabbed him in a huge bear hug.
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Shane hugged him tightly. Then he blinked as he let him go. "Why did I want to say that for?"
"Gooseman…." Walsh growled. "Do I really want to know what the hell you are doing?"
"I was playing with Niko when I ran in here," Shane blinked. "I don't know…All of the sudden…" Another look passed over his face as the Po Wishing Doll shone brightly. "DADDY! I LOVE YOU DADDY!" He wrapped Walsh in a huge bear hug.
"AAAHKKKKKK!" Walsh gasped in horror. He saw the doll glow even though he could hardly breathe. "Oh no…"
"Daddy!" Shane grinned. The doll stopped shining. Shane let go. "What was I saying again?"
"NOTHING!" Walsh snapped. "Gooseman explain yourself!"
"Explain what?" Shane blinked. The doll shone again. "DADDY!" Again Shane gave Walsh a crushing hug. When the doll stopped shining, Shane let go. "What was I doing?"
"Breaking my spine in half…" Walsh moaned as he leaned against the desk.
"Shane Gooseman you better…" Niko ran in with Shane's uniform. "Sir…I can explain…"
"Ranger Niko I take it you had something to do with this," Walsh indicated Shane's lack of dress.
"Not on purpose," Niko blushed. "You see that Po Wishing Doll…"
"I just figured that out! That doll is evil!" Walsh roared.
"Why what did it do to you?" Niko blinked.
"You don't want to know…" Walsh moaned.
"Buzzwang get off me!" Doc moaned. Buzzwang was hugging Doc tightly.
"I love you, Doc!" Buzzwang purred.
"I love you, Niko!" Shane gave Niko a hug.
"I HATE THAT STUPID PO WISHING DOLL!" Doc shouted.
"We have to lock up that Po Artifact so tightly that it never sees the light of day ever again!" Niko shouted. "Better yet, give me a blaster!"
"Commander!" Shane then gave Walsh a tight hug.
"TAKE A NUMBER!" Commander Walsh shouted. "I'LL BLOW IT UP MYSELF!"