The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Galaxy Rangers characters has been left behind on another planet. Yes here's another insane fic which proves every day for the Rangers is a fun day!
"All right," Commander Walsh sighed, trying to keep his temper under control as much as possible. "I'm not going to get angry. I just want to know WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG THIS TIME?"
"So much for not getting angry," Doc remarked. He was in Walsh's office with Captain Zachery Foxx, Zozo, Buzzwang and Waldo. All looked a little worse for wear and quite tired.
"This was supposed to be a normal, routine assignment," Walsh tried to regain control of himself. "Simply transport a new experimental crop of berries from Kirwin to Earth. That's all the six of you had to do. Bring the berries from Kirwin to here. Simple. So explain to me how you ended up destroying not only your ship but several other ships as well as destroying an entire moon?"
"Uh sir the moon Delphos Fifteen was uninhabited," Buzzwang interjected. "And there were no inhabited planets near the area so…"
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT BUZZWANG!" Walsh shouted. He regained control of himself. "So could one of you please tell me how this simple assignment spiraled out of control?"
"I guess it all started on Kirwin," Zach began. "When we picked up the cargo of Lingling berries."
"Lingling berries," Walsh nodded. "The new experimental fruit designed by the Kiwi."
"Yes," Zozo took out a pink and purple fruit the size of a lime out of his pocket. "The latest and most advanced of our agricultural technology. Just one berry can pack enough vitamins and minerals to supply a person with all their nutritional needs for an entire day."
"And how many did Ranger Gooseman eat?" Walsh raised an eyebrow.
"Twenty four," Buzzwang answered him.
"We all sampled the berries," Doc said. "They were harmless to most of us."
"Most of you," Walsh gave him a look. "Except of course for Ranger Gooseman."
"Well yes…" Zozo coughed. "At first nothing happened. I mean nothing out of the ordinary."
"Zozo, according to this report Gooseman was piloting the ship backwards through hyperdrive!" Walsh snapped. "Then he tried some other reckless maneuvers!"
"Like Zozo said, nothing out of the ordinary…" Doc quipped. "Then he started to get a little…weird on us."
"Define weird," Walsh gave him a look.
"Well for starters he was humming and giggling while piloting the ship," Waldo sighed.
"Again we thought that was just him enjoying Doc freaking out," Zozo added. "Then he just got up out of his seat and started hugging everyone."
"Excuse me I could not have heard that correctly," Walsh did a double take. "You did say…?"
"Hugging…Yes sir," Zozo sighed.
"First he hugged Doc to try and calm him down," Buzzwang explained. "Then he hugged me, Captain Foxx, Zozo, Waldo, Doc again…The berries seem to have an euphoric effect on Ranger Gooseman. Making him rather…affectionate."
"Yeah instead of turning people into pretzels and shooting them up he wants to hug them to death!" Doc groaned. "I swear my ribs have bruises on them!"
"It was a rather disturbing experience," Waldo admitted.
"His personality became completely reversed," Zach told Walsh. "He lost all his aggressiveness and became…He became…"
"Nuts! That's what he became!" Doc snapped pointing at Zozo. "And it's all his fault!"
"Well how were I supposed to know what effect those berries would have on a Supertrooper?" Zozo snapped. "Obviously there hasn't been a study on it!"
"Didn't you try getting him to use his Series Five implant to activate his bio-defenses?" Walsh asked. "So he could burn out the side effects."
"Yeah that's when things kind of went…Kablooey," Buzzwang scratched his head in a human like way.
"Kablooey?" Walsh raised an eyebrow.
"Kablooey," Waldo sighed heavily.
"Kablooey," Doc nodded.
"Define…Kablooey," Walsh looked at them.
"He touched his badge, activated the implant," Doc counted off. "Gave off a really weird glow that reacted with nearly every technical device on the ship."
"Reacted as in…?" Walsh asked.
"Blew up," Zozo sighed. "All at once."
"Kablooey," Buzzwang nodded.
"That's when we fell out of hyperdrive right into Captain Kidd's ship," Zach reported. "Crashed right through the hanger into half way through the ship. We were lucky no one was killed."
"You crashed your ship right into the Iron Falcon, a pirate ship…" Walsh nodded. "But that is not how it was ultimately destroyed."
"No, at that point both ships were somewhat intact," Waldo coughed. "Mostly."
"Captain Kidd was not pleased with the situation," Buzzwang reported. "He was even less pleased when Zozo vomited all over his floor."
"Thanks a lot Buzzwang!" Zozo gave the android an evil look.
"So how exactly did was the Iron Falcon destroyed?" Walsh asked.
"Uh that one was my fault, sir," Zach coughed. "I was…expressing a difference of opinion with Captain Kidd and my bionic arm…sort of went off."
"Went off?" Walsh gave him a look.
"In the control room," Waldo sighed. "That is about the time the Iron Falcon collided with another ship."
"Technically it wasn't really a ship," Doc reported. "It turned out to be a giant satellite that was a weapon left over from an extinct alien civilization."
"Of course it was," Walsh said sarcastically. "What else could it have been? You rangers have only encountered about five or six of them before in your careers! And of course you had no choice but to board the satellite to save yourselves as well as Captain Kidd and his crew?"
"Yes that's pretty much how it happened," Zozo nodded.
"And both ships and all their cargo were destroyed?" Walsh sighed.
"No quite a bit of the cargo was salvaged," Buzzwang said. "By Ranger Gooseman. Unfortunately he was still a bit under the influence of the Lingling berries."
"Captain Kidd does not like to be hugged," Doc rolled his eyes. "And what really got him ticked off was that Goose kept chasing his pet fur ball around because he wanted to play with it."
"I take it that was the turning point where the pirates split off from your group and decided to try and take over the satellite for themselves?" Walsh sighed.
"Got it in one," Doc nodded. "Fortunately I was able to contact the main computer and try and explain our situation."
"Try, Ranger Hartford?" Walsh asked.
"Well uh, you see sir…" Doc coughed. "It's a funny thing…What happened is…"
"Doc got into an argument with the computer and ticked it off," Buzzwang explained.
"You're just being Mr. Helpful today aren't you?" Doc snapped at Buzzwang.
"Let's stick to the facts here shall we?" Walsh held up his hand. "Ranger Hartford you made the computer…angry?"
"It was a very rude computer, even for a weapon!" Doc snapped. "And it said some very unforgivable things."
"The computer called his mother some very nasty names," Buzzwang added.
"Nobody insults my mother and gets away with it!" Doc snapped. "That's why I had to teach it a lesson by frying it's circuits a little!"
"And in the process of teaching the computer a lesson you activated the weapons systems! Am I right?" Walsh shouted.
"Actually sir," Waldo gulped. "I regret to inform you that I am the party responsible for that."
"You, Ambassador Waldo?" Walsh's jaw dropped. "How did that happen?"
"I was attempting to remove the berries from Ranger Gooseman. I asked him to give them to me and to my surprise he complied," Waldo explained.
"I don't understand," Walsh asked.
"They were playing tug of war at the time," Buzzwang explained.
"No, Goose was playing tug of war! He thought it was a game!" Waldo snapped. "And I didn't expect him to comply with my request so quickly! He just let the bag go I lost my balance and…I hit something."
"You hit something?" Walsh raised an eyebrow.
"The button activating the weapons systems, Sir," Waldo sighed.
"To make matters worse we were passing by the moon of Delphos Fifteen at the time and the weapons system went off," Buzzwang explained.
"Blowing up the moon in the process," Walsh was getting a headache.
"I'm afraid so sir," Waldo sighed.
"This story is more insane than the Marshmallow Trees covering an entire planet incident!" Walsh snapped. "Then what happened?"
"We ran into Captain Kidd," Zach explained. "Or rather he ran into us."
"Away from some very unhappy security droids," Doc added. "Long story short…"
"Too late…" Walsh grumbled.
"We managed to escape the satellite and the droids by finding some shuttlecraft in the hanger," Doc went on.
"After Ranger Foxx set off the self destruct sequence by blowing up the computer's main control panel with his bionic arm," Buzzwang added cheerfully.
"Remind me to accompany you to your next tune up," Zach gave him a look.
"On the bright side we did take out a very dangerous weapon," Doc added.
"And a moon," Walsh glared at him. "And Captain Kidd's pirate ship which he is suing BETA for damages! And the cargo which now that I think about it might not be such a bad thing after all."
"Don't forget the hanger bay of the Laredo our shuttlecraft crashed into," Buzzwang added. "I had trouble with the controls of the ship. I'm not that good with landings yet."
"At least he shoots himself in the foot," Zozo grumbled.
"I didn't mean to take out three interceptors, Sir," Buzzwang added. "It just happened that way!"
"So the drunken Supertrooper turned out to be the least destructive thing on this mission?" Walsh asked sarcastically.
"Apparently yes, sir," Buzzwang nodded.
"And am I to understand that Ranger Gooseman is still inebriated?" Walsh asked.
"Yes," Waldo gave Zozo a look. "The effects of the Lingling berries are quite potent."
"Ranger Gooseman was singing quite loudly when we arrived at BETA," Buzzwang said rather too cheerfully. "He insisted on singing some old Earth ballads…Even though he didn't know the words to them. But he made up some new ones…Some of them were rather X-Rated for my taste. There was one ditty that I don't understand the meaning of…Something about a dance hall girl named Felicity and she had rather large…"
"Not now Buzzwang," Zach quickly interrupted. "Some other time."
"Where is Gooseman now?" Walsh asked with an annoyed sigh.
"We managed to corral him into the rec room," Doc told him. "Where Niko is there trying to get him not to wreck the room!"
"Is he violent?" Walsh asked.
"No, just happy…" Zach sighed.
"Very, very, very happy!" Doc moaned. "Please don't send me back there! He'll want to play tag with me again!"
"Tag?" Walsh asked.
"More like tackle!" Doc snapped. "He nearly broke my arm the last time!"
"He's in a very…Playful mood," Zach said carefully. "Kind of like a big kid hyped up on sugar. I told you all his aggression is gone. He's just…Well I think you'd better see for yourself, Sir."
"I was afraid you might say that," Walsh groaned as he got up from his desk.
They went down to the recreation room where they saw a very harried Niko giving them a very angry glare. "Zozo remind me to kill you once I get some feeling back in my arms," She growled.
The room was covered in stickers and crayon drawings. Shane was happily drawing something that looked like a flower in crayon on the wall. "What is he…?" Walsh blinked.
"He wanted to decorate the room," Niko moaned. "It was either let him do that or…I'm not even going to tell you what else he wanted to do!"
"COMMANDER!" Shane said in a loud cheerful voice. He moved so fast from the other side of the room Walsh didn't get a chance to move before it was too late. Before he knew it, Walsh was wrapped in a stifling hug from the large Supertrooper.
"Hi Commander Walsh! Great to see ya!" Shane laughed happily.
"AAKKKK…" Walsh was turning blue. "Can't breathe…"
"Goose let him go before you…" Zach began. He was interrupted when Shane decided to give him a hug. "AAAHHHHKKK!"
"How much longer is he going to be like this?" Walsh gasped for breath.
"The docs say about four or five more hours," Niko was extremely tired. "Maybe six."
"Great!" Shane let Zach go with a flourish that knocked the captain into a wall. "Then we have time to play another game of Twister!"
"No…No, Goose…" Niko's eyes began to twitch. "Not the Twister game again! Not again!"
"Aw come on! It'll be fun!" Shane made puppy dog eyes at her and the others. "Tell 'em guys! It'll be fun!"
"You don't want to know what I would consider fun right about now," Doc twitched. "Zozo! You play with him!"
"No way! I'm not going to do it! Let Buzzwang do it!" Zozo snapped.
"Are you crazy? He'll break me in pieces!" Buzzwang shrieked.
"GOOD!" Doc and Zozo shouted.
"Better you than us…" Doc added.
"Too late…" Zach lay on the ground holding his head.
"Come on guys! It'll be fun!" Shane was very happy and very hyper. "You're play with me, right Commander? Commander? Are you crying?"
"Just once…" Commander Walsh moaned. "Just once I'd like a routine mission to go as planned without any insanity! Is that too much to ask?"