A Loaded Question
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A Loaded Question
by Red Witch
Summary: Another day, another intergalactic incident. Buzzwang is no help in debates about important topics.
The disclaimer telling all of you that I do not own any Galaxy Rangers characters has gone off on a rampage. Seriously, this is madness that was inspired after an actual argument I had during the last Super Bowl.
"I am sorry Goose but you are out of your mind," Doc snorted. The Galaxy Rangers Series Five team was standing around a hallway arguing.
"No, you are out of your mind!" Shane glared at his friend.
"Just accept you are wrong plain and simple," Niko said.
"Sorry Niko, but I have to agree with Doc on this one," Zachery said. "In fact I know he's right!"
"Thank you!" Doc threw up his hands. "Listen to your captain!"
"I am listening," Shane said. "I'm listening to the man spout nonsense!"
"What's going on?" Buzzwang poked his head out of a door nearby.
"Oh sorry Buzzwang," Zachery realized where they were. "We were disrupting the Ambassador's conference?"
"No, but I could hear you fighting. What are you arguing about?" Buzzwang asked.
"Buzzwang you're a computer. You might have this in your data banks," Doc said.
"What makes you think he would know?" Shane asked sharply. "Half the time Buzzwang doesn't even know his own name!"
"Only when I get up or Bubblehead reprograms me," Buzzwang said innocently. "Which I admit happens a lot."
"Not exactly helping your credentials Buzzwang," Doc groaned.
"Let's ask him anyway," Niko said. "It can't hurt."
"So what is the argument about?" Buzzwang pressed on.
"Okay Goose and I say that chili has beans in it, but Doc and Zachery say that real chili has no beans," Niko explained.
"Anybody who knows beans about chili knows that chili has no beans!" Doc snapped.
"It does too!" Niko snapped. "I've had a lot of chili with a lot of beans in it!"
"Then you haven't had real chili," Zachery said.
"Wait, you are arguing whether or not chili has beans in it?" Buzzwang was puzzled.
"Quick on the uptake isn't he?" Shane quipped.
"See we were all talking about getting together for dinner one night to watch the Space Bowl Game," Zachery explained. "And Niko and Shane suggested we have it at their place and we'd have pot luck. I said I would bring my authentic chili recipe handed down to me by my great, great grandfather who lived in Texas."
"But then I said I wanted to show off my new chili recipe that I learned recently," Niko said. She pointed to Zachery. "And then this smart mouth over here asks me if it has beans in it and when I said yes…"
"I think you can get the picture of what happened," Doc spoke up. "As a gourmet myself I have to agree with the Captain. True chili does not have beans in it."
"Oh that's bull! Chili can have anything in it!" Shane huffed. "I've eaten it with beans!"
"You'll eat anything!" Doc pointed out. "I saw you once eat a three week old casserole from the cafeteria!"
"It was good. As long as you scraped the mold off it," Shane shrugged. "Hey Supertroopers aren't picky eaters!"
"Which explains why you eat so much of Niko's cooking," Zachery grumbled.
"Keep talking Zachery," Niko gave him a look. "Goose isn't the only one who can lose his temper you know?"
"No offense Niko but you and the Goose aren't exactly the best chefs around here," Doc pointed out. "People still talk about the cake you set on fire!"
"That was a long time ago," Niko gave him a look.
"It was last week!" Zachery shouted.
"She was just trying out a new recipe for crying out loud!" Shane said.
"Yes but Shane I did tell you not to heat the oven using your blasters," Niko sighed. "Again."
"We're getting off topic," Zachery sighed. "So Buzzwang what do you think?"
"Honestly I have no opinion on this subject," Buzzwang said. "Since I neither eat nor prepare foods my data banks are lacking the answers you seek."
"Oh yeah that solved everything," Shane said sarcastically. "Told you it was a waste of time!"
"Well I do know that Ambassador Zozo and a few other ambassadors are also gourmets," Buzzwang pointed to the meeting room with his robotic thumb. "Perhaps they would know the answer?"
"Sure Buzzwang," Doc waved his hand. "Go disturb a highly sensitive diplomatic meeting among several intergalactic ambassadors and ask them their opinions about chili."
"Okay," Buzzwang nodded as he went back into the room.
"Uh he did know that you were only being sarcastic, did he Doc?" Zachery asked.
"Of course he did. Come even Buzzwang wouldn't…" Doc blinked. "He wouldn't would he?"
"Excuse me ambassadors," Buzzwang was heard from the room. "Forgive me for interrupting your meeting but I need to ask your opinions on a highly debatable topic. Does chili have beans in it?"
"Did he just ask…?" Shane blinked.
"He did!" Doc groaned.
The Series Five team poked their heads into the door. They saw several ambassadors from several planets sitting with Commander Cain at a large table. Zozo and Waldo were there as well. "What sort of nonsense is this?" Waldo was a bit miffed.
"Buzzwang this is a meeting about securing trade routes and other diplomatic issues," Commander Cain looked at him. "This is not the time to be discussing recipes!"
"I agree! What an absurd question," Waldo sniffed. "Especially since everyone knows that chili doesn't have beans in it."
"What do you mean chili doesn't have beans? Of course it does," Zozo said.
"I beg to differ my Kiwi friend," Waldo said. "But once again I must point out something you don't know."
"Excuse me my Andorian chum," Zozo glared at him. "But once again your smugness belies the fact that you have no idea what you are talking about!"
"Zozo I don't think…" Waldo began.
"No, you don't think!" Zozo interrupted. "We Kiwis are farmers! You really think we don't know what goes into a recipe as basic as chili?"
"Ambassador Zozo I think what you don't know could fill up an entire encyclopedia," An ambassador that looked like a broccoli sprout with two big eyes and a white robe sniffed. "Ambassador Zeptic is correct."
"No he isn't," A Pedulant ambassador spoke up. "Ambassador Zozo is right. There are beans in chili! Everyone knows that!"
"Everyone except Waldo," Zozo remarked.
"Wait are we talking about vegetarian chili or just regular chili?" A purple bird like ambassador in a blue robe spoke up. "Because the rules are different depending on…"
"Rules? There's only one rule for chili and that is no beans!" A purple female Po Mutant ambassador shouted.
"I agree with Ambassador Lila," A being made of crystal with yellow eyes spoke. "Chili has no beans."
"What do you know about food?" Zozo spoke up. "You're a living crystal! Your people exist on sunlight and gas! You don't even eat!"
"Well if we did eat chili I can tell you that we definitely wouldn't put any beans in it!" The crystal ambassador snapped.
"Everyone! Ambassadors please!" Commander Cain called out. "We're way off topic of this meeting. And as someone who lived in Texas I must declare the ruling that true chili has no beans so can we get on with…"
The room exploded with half outrage and half crowing. "What you mean true chili? What does Earth know about true chili?" A blue skinned male alien ambassador in a green robe spoke up.
"Since we invented chili, I think…" Commander Cain began.
"Poppycock!" The Broccoli like ambassador snorted. "Earth did not invent chili any more than it invented the pyramids! Chili is universal! My people have perfected a chili recipe a thousand years ago with beans!"
"Oh yeah?" Ambassador Lila snapped. "Well my people were having chili cook offs when your people were little more than sprouts in the ground! And there weren't any beans in it!"
"Seriously, there are different kinds of chili with different rules," The bird ambassador interrupted.
"Oh shut up Bill," Ambassador Lila snapped.
"Make me!" Ambassador Bill snapped at her.
"You want a busted beak?" Ambassador Lila snapped.
"Bring it on sister!" Ambassador Bill snapped.
"If you think my people are going to have a trade agreement with a group of num-nuts that think beans don't belong in chili you are mistaken!" The Pedulant ambassador spoke up. "Except of course for Ambassador Zozo who is obviously one of the few intelligent ones in this room!"
"Zozo, intelligent? There's a contradiction of words," Waldo rolled his eyes.
"I've had enough of your smugness Waldo!" Zozo snapped. "I hate how you always think you're right about everything!"
"That's because I usually am right about everything!" Waldo shouted back.
Soon the whole room exploded into a shouting match.
"You want a fat lip?"
"You try it!"
Suddenly several ambassadors started shoving and punching each other. "HEY! KNOCK IT OFF!" Commander Cain shouted as he tried to separate them. "Gentlemen…Ladies…NO! OW! WHO BIT ME?"
The Galaxy Rangers quickly pulled their heads back out of the room. Buzzwang joined them out in the hallway. "I think they're going to discuss it and get back to us," Buzzwang said.
"Buzzwang I was being sarcastic!" Doc shouted. "I didn't really mean for you to go in there and ask everyone about chili!"
"Oh that was sarcasm?" Buzzwang asked innocently. "Sorry. My processors haven't fully mastered that human ability just yet."
"OW! YOU KICKED ME IN THE LEG!" Waldo shouted. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KICKED ME IN THE LEG!"
"GUESS YOU ANDORIANS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING HUH?" Zozo shouted. "OW!"
"STOP THROWING CHAIRS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST?" Commander Cain yelled.
"What did we just do?" Shane blinked as the sounds of the fight grew louder and indicated a rising level of violence.
"I believe we may have accidentally started an intergalactic war," Buzzwang remarked.
"Uh oh," Doc gulped. "Now what?"
"Okay…If anybody asks," Zachery said. "Buzzwang started it!"
"Yeah! Buzzwang did it!" Shane agreed.
"Works for me!" Niko agreed.
"See ya Buzz!" Doc said before the Series Five Rangers took off down the hallway.
"But…But…" Buzzwang protested.
"BUZZWANG!" Commander Cain's voice was heard from inside the room. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW?"
"Oh boy…" Buzzwang sighed. "Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be an android around here. Maybe I should have listened to Q-Ball and become a food dispensing machine?"