Bubblehead And Commander Cain
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Bubblehead And Commander Cain
by Red Witch
Summary: Oh the joys of an insane memory bird visiting your office...
The disclaimer saying that I don't own any Galaxy Rangers characters has flown away. Just more fun madness coming out of my mind.
Bubblehead And Commander Cain
"Okay," Commander Cain looked at his reports in his office. "We've got an outbreak of riots on Mars. A report on pirates in the Nebulan System. A bunch of crooks trying to sell weapons on the black market. We just brought in some more weapons smugglers that may have ties to the Black Rose Society…"
"Hell-ooooooooooo Nurse!" Bubblehead, the deranged memory bird that could barely remember his own name flew in.
"But of course the real threat to Earth is right here in my office!" Cain groaned.
"Where?" Bubblehead landed on his desk.
"On my desk," Commander Cain said.
"Is it the stapler?" Bubblehead asked.
"No, that's actually useful," Commander Cain held it in his hands and thought of something. "Never mind. What are you doing here Bubblehead? Besides making me wish I had a drink in my hands?"
"Where's Commander Mustache?" Bubblehead looked around. "He's usually here."
"I haven't a clue," Cain shrugged. "I'd like to find the bastard myself."
"You don't like him much. What? He owes you money?"
"Something like that," Cain said. "About two million dollars worth."
"Two million samolias? Hoooo! No wonder you're steamed!" Bubblehead whistled. "You can buy a lot of nachos with that kind of money!"
"Among other things yes," Commander Cain groaned. "Gooseman's still on patrol isn't he?"
"Good thing too otherwise I'd be cooped up in my apartment," Bubblehead said. "And then I wouldn't be able to come and visit you."
"What a shame that would be," Cain said sarcastically.
"I like people! La la la la!" Bubblehead sang off key. "I like to play with people so they won't be lonely and they can sing and dance and tear their hair out…"
"Must you always be so cheerful?" Commander Cain groaned in disgust. "Aren't you ever depressed or anything?
"I don't really have angst," Bubblehead studied a desk lamp. "By the time I actually get around to thinking about my problems, I've forgotten about 'em."
"I guess that's one benefit of having the memory retention of a goldfish," Cain gave him a look.
"Doi! Just a happy Bubblehead!" The memory bird chirped. "Ooh what does this thing do?" Bubblehead tapped a crystal paperweight with his beak and it broke. "It broke."
"No big deal it was just an old antique from my mother's side of the family," Cain groaned. "I'm sure there's only one or two of them left somewhere in the universe."
"That's nice," Bubblehead smiled.
"You're the real reason Walsh ran off aren't you?" Cain groaned.
"I wouldn't be surprised," Bubblehead shrugged.
"When is Gooseman going to get back?" Cain asked picking up the stapler and looking at Bubblehead with an evil eye.
"He's gone?" Bubblehead asked. "Okay I'll stay here and keep you company! La la la la!" The bird started to dance around on the desk.
"GET OFF MY COMPUTER!" Cain shouted. "NO! DON'T !YOU'RE DELETING MY REPORTS!"
"Is that bad?" Bubblehead blinked.
"GET OFF!" Cain shoved him off. "Great! Now I have to reboot my computer! I'd rather give you the boot!"
"Let's play hide and seek!" Bubblehead flew to a potted plant on the floor and hid behind it. "Can you find me?"
"I wonder what excuse I can come up with to explain why Bubblehead is in a thousand pieces?" Cain thought aloud. "Gee Gooseman I have no idea why that memory bird of yours decided to take a look inside that paper shredder?"
"I'm hiding!" Bubblehead giggled.
"I tried to stop that bird from flying onto the target practice range," Cain kept thinking. "Just before they decided to test that experimental bazooka."
"I'm still hiding!"
"It's a mystery to me how Bubblehead fell in that vat of corrosive acid," Cain went on as he took out a bottle of bourbon out of his file cabinet. "No, he'd never believe that. Or that he'd accidentally mail himself to Pluto…"
"What game are we playing again?" Bubblehead poked his head out. "I'm bored! Let's sing a song! AAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAHHHHH-AAAAAAAH!"
The bottle Cain was holding shattered instantly. "MY BOURBON!" Cain yelled. "Okay it was cheap bourbon but still it had a good taste!"
"That was a good note!" Bubblehead landed on his desk. "So when do you think Commander Walsh will be back?"
"If he has an ounce of intelligence, never…" Cain moaned.
"Oh. And how long is that?" Bubblehead scratched his head.
"Okay Bubblehead I have a job for you…" Cain's eye twitched. "And I think this assignment is perfect for you!"
Four Hours Later…
"I can't believe you did that!" Niko shouted at Commander Cain.
"I can," Shane groaned.
"What? I just thought it was time for that bird to earn his keep around here," Cain told them. "Why are you all looking at me like that? Thanks to Bubblehead not only did we get confessions but some valuable information!"
"You had Bubblehead annoy prisoners for over three hours straight?" Zachery shouted. "No wonder they cracked!"
"Sir isn't there a regulation saying that you can't use torture on prisoners?" Shane barked.
"Ah but it only says what kinds of torture I can't use," Cain smiled as he opened up a regulation handbook. "Take a look for yourself. Truth drugs, no. Hypno scans, no. Water boarding, a big no no! Electric shocks, nada! But there's nothing in there about just sending in a harmless little electronic birdie to go in and cheer up the prisoners with a happy little song."
"That happy little song nearly shattered their eardrums!" Zach barked.
"I'll never forget the sight of that one crook banging his head on the wall screaming 'Take me now Death! Make the pain go away!'" Doc remarked.
"If only…" Shane groaned as he watched Bubblehead dance around on top of a computer.
"Since we're not getting rid of the feathered menace why not spread the pain around?" Cain asked. "By the way why don't we just get rid of this bird? Run that by me again?"
"I've asked myself that same question a lot," Shane groaned.
"Because the Galaxy Rangers are charged with the task of protecting the universe from threats," Zach sighed.
"Oopsie," Bubblehead blinked as he stood on the keyboard. "I think I broke it. You didn't need those defense files did you?"
"And if this bird isn't a threat I don't know what is!" Zach glared at the memory bird.
"He's a threat alright!" Shane said. "A threat to sanity!"
"Wow I didn't know computers could smoke," Bubblehead looked at the machine. "You know computers shouldn't smoke. It's bad for their processors."
Commander Cain pounded his head on the wall. "Take me now, Death! Make the pain go away!"