Baby Buzzwangs Strike Back
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Baby Buzzwangs Strike Back
by Red Witch
Summary: Just when you thought those little mechanical menaces from 'Tune Up' were gone forever...
The disclaimer saying that I don't own any Galaxy Ranger characters has gone off to get some chicken wings. Just a mad idea that ran through this mind of mine.
"I can't believe we're stuck babysitting Wheiner of all people on this assignment," Shane grumbled as the Galaxy Rangers entered the conference room on the Space Station Lunar Five.
"We are also with Ambassador Magdella Domani on this trip Ranger Gooseman," Buzzwang said cheerfully.
"So what's the point of this meeting Dad?" Zach Jr. asked his father.
"These are the final negotiations with the Leonoids to buy the planet designated as B-5," Zach explained to his son. "The Leonoids have discovered vast amounts of rare minerals beneath the surface and are offering to sell the uninhabited planet."
"If we get the mining rights to this planet the League will be in possession of dozens of different kinds of rare minerals," Niko said.
"But if they're so valuable why are the Leonoids selling the planet?" Zach Jr. asked.
"Two reasons, the first one is apparently most of the minerals on that planet the Leonoids already have an abundance of," Doc explained. "And the second is that they need a lot of money in a hurry. It's a prime opportunity for the League of Planets."
"Yeah but why did they have to assign Wheiner to this mission?" Shane grumbled. "Can't Ambassador Domani do it herself?"
"She can but the Board of Leaders thought it might be helpful if there were a representative of the government there to assist with the negotiations," Niko said.
"Translation: The Board of Leaders wanted to get Wheiner out of their hair for a while," Doc smirked.
"No Ranger Hartford, it means that if for some reason we fail in this mission I am going to get the blame!" Wheiner snapped as he stormed in. "I have been assigned to be the official scapegoat!"
"Oh that must be a very important job," Buzzwang said honestly.
"Is he programmed to be this stupid or was he just blown up one time too many?" Wheiner asked.
"A little of Column A and a little of Column B," Doc shrugged.
"Buzzwang maybe you should not talk for a while," Zach Jr. suggested.
"Why is this boy here?" Wheiner asked.
"I thought it would be a good lesson for the boy in diplomacy," Zach couldn't resist. "In your case, how not to negotiate with an alien culture!"
"You can't talk to me like that!" Wheiner snapped.
"Oh shut up Wheiner!" Ambassador Domani snapped. "At least the boy knows something about manners. Which you lack!"
"Why does everyone always gang up on me?" Wheiner snapped.
"Well you kind of have a reputation for screwing things up," Buzzwang scratched his head. "Like the time the Po Empire appeared and you got them mad at us. Oh and the time you got drunk at the last New Year's Eve party and not only insulted the Rydonian Ambassador, you made a pass at that girl and your wife filed for divorce. The Batch 22 incident where the Supertroopers tricked you into stealing a gas that could destroy all life forms. Of course we all can't forget what happened at Wolf…"
"SHUT UP BEFORE I MELT YOU DOWN INTO SCRAP METAL!" Wheiner yelled. "DIDN'T SOMEONE JUST SUGGEST YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?"
"Yelling, an excellent sign of diplomacy," Doc said sarcastically.
Two silver haired lion people in regal robes walked into the room. "Ambassadors Sinbar and Sindel how good to meet you," Ambassador Domani smiled her most charming smile.
"Ambassador Domani," Ambassador Sinbar smiled. His smile faded when he saw Wheiner. "Senator Wiener."
"Wheiner," The senator corrected.
"Oh yes you're the one who told the host of the McLawful Group show that all the League had to do to negotiate with us is to give us some very large balls of yarn," Senator Sindel bristled.
"Why is this guy still a senator?" Shane asked everyone. "Seriously, can anyone explain this to me?"
"Ranger Gooseman shouldn't you and the other Galaxy Rangers go on patrol or something while we conduct these negotiations?" Wheiner snapped.
"Actually there will be no negotiations for B5 because…" Ambassador Sinbar coughed.
"We already sold the rights to someone else," Ambassador Sindel finished.
"What do you mean someone already bought the rights?" Wheiner shouted.
"I am afraid so," Ambassador Sindel said. "Sorry, maybe some other time."
"Who did you sell them too?" Niko asked. "Not the Queen of the Crown?"
"Oh heavens no!" Ambassador Sinbar bristled. "Nothing like that."
"Then who?" Ambassador Domani asked.
"Oh give me a trip! On a big rocket ship! Where we love to be in outer space!" Some metallic singing was heard down the hallway.
"That sounds like…" Zach Jr. blinked.
"It can't be!" Buzzwang gasped. "It's impossible!"
"Where you're as free as the birds! You can say naughty words! And no one around slaps your faaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccceeeeeeee!" Several pint sized versions of Buzzwang walked in.
"What the devil?" Wheiner did a double take.
"Oh no…" Zach Jr. winced. "Not them again!"
"Who or what are they?" Wheiner yelled. "They look like…"
"They are," Doc sighed.
"They sound like…" Ambassador Domani blinked.
"They do," Zach Jr. sighed.
"Hey Pop! How's it hanging!" A fat Baby Buzzwang chirped.
"POP?" Wheiner and Domani yelled at the same time.
"It's uh, kind of a long story," Buzzwang coughed. "But they are my offspring. Technically…"
"Meet the new owners of B-5," Ambassador Sindel pointed. "The Buzz Babies."
"We made 'em an offer they couldn't refuse," A thin Buzz Baby that sounded like Al Pachino on helium snorted.
"Hold on…Robots bought the rights to B-5?" Wheiner yelled.
"Technically we're android copies," A Buzz Baby called out.
"Well if they're just androids from Earth then we get the mining rights by default! These things are property!" Wheiner snapped.
"Who are you calling property?" A Buzz Baby snapped.
"Our card if you please," The Al Pachino Buzz Baby handed Ambassador Domani a business card. "See we have business cards and everything!"
"Oh yeah that proves you're an advanced civilization," Wheiner mocked.
"Actually Senator Wheiner it does, technically," Buzzwang said.
"What do you mean?" Shane asked.
"According to the charter of the League of Planets any sentient race can be considered an independent species regardless of genetic makeup and or artificial enhancements," Buzzwang spoke. "Furthermore the validity of the species independence can be substantiated by any legal document."
"Since when is a business card saying: Buzz Babies, Tiny Little Androids that annoy anyone they want considered a legal document?" Shane asked as he looked the business card over.
"It was in the case of the Bovo Miners Association verses the Kingdom of Tiny Ant People," Buzzwang cited. "And in the case of Miller verses Miller's Brain Unit."
"He's right," Doc realized. "There are precedents for this. Which means we can't touch them."
"Are you saying that because of a stupid loophole, those robots are now considered a planetary nation?" Wheiner yelled.
"I'm afraid so," Ambassador Domani sighed. "And now we have to do business with them if we want the mining rights to B-5."
"Buzzwang Babylon!" Another Buzz Baby corrected. "That's the name we came up with for B-5. Catchy huh?"
"How could androids get access to money?" Wheiner snapped.
"How could we not?" A Buzz Baby held up a huge gold rock. "We got tons of this stuff on our old planet."
"That rock is solid gold!" Doc scanned it with his CDU.
"Yeah and this is a small one," A big headed Buzz Baby said. "We just loaded up a pile of this stuff in the ol' star ship and traded 'em for Buzzwang Babylon!"
"In all fairness we couldn't resist," Ambassador Sindel shrugged.
"The first step in the Buzzwang Baby Empire!" A very tall Buzz Baby chirped.
"Yeah why bother with armies to get yourself a planet when you can just buy 'em!" The fat Buzz Baby asked.
"I don't believe this…" Ambassador Domani groaned.
"We even have our own national anthem!" Another Buzz Baby chirped. "Wanna hear it?"
"No," Wheiner moaned.
"And a one, and a two…" the Buzz Baby directed the other Buzz Babies as if he was conducting an orchestra.
"Buzz Babies! Buzz Babies! We are so great!" The Buzz Babies danced around singing. "We like to rock all over and throw a lot of plates!"
"This is not happening…" Wheiner blinked. "This is just not happening."
"We're the Buzz Babies and we like to sing and dance! We just sing and dance! We don't need any shoes and we don't wear any pants!" The Buzz Babies danced around. One pulled out a flag of a Buzz Baby face and waved it around.
"Wow Buzzwang your kids have just formed a planetary nation," Zach Jr. blinked.
"I'm so proud of them," Buzzwang sniffed. "Every parent wants their children to do well!"
"This mission is even more weird than usual," Zach blinked.
"I think I miss the ones where people shoot at us," Shane said.
"You would," Doc quipped.
"Oh I get it," Wheiner laughed a little hysterically. "I know what's going on! I'm dreaming! I must have gotten drunk and I'm having one of those stupid dreams again! Oh what a relief!"
"Uh…" Buzzwang held up his hand.
"Hold on Buzzwang," Doc stopped him. "Let's see where he goes with this."
"Buzz Babies! Like that would ever happen! Ha!" Wheiner went to the window of the conference room. "For a minute there I was worried."
"I'm starting to get worried," Niko blinked. "Uh Senator Wheiner what are you doing?"
"Oh I'm just going to go for a quick fly around the space station," Wheiner said as he positioned himself at the window. "This office is only a couple of stories high."
"Great Wheiner's finally cracked," Shane smiled.
"Looks like he's going to jump out the window," Buzzwang said. "We have to stop him!"
"Must we?" Ambassador Domani sighed.
"We're supposed to guarantee his safety," Zach sighed. "Technically. Better pull him back before he…"
"WHEEEEEEE!" Senator Wheiner jumped out the window.
"Jumps…" Zach sighed.
"Oh drat, he fell," Shane smirked. "We didn't save him. Too bad."
"It's not a dream," Buzzwang said.
"I think he just figured that out, Buzzwang," Doc looked out the window. "He's okay. He fell on his head. On top of a really fat woman."
"A really angry fat woman," Doc quipped.
"Well that was worth the trip coming here," Shane smiled as he looked out the window.
"I must admit I enjoyed that too," Ambassador Domani sighed.
"All right Buzz Babies what do you want in exchange to let the League of Planets mine…" Zach began.
"Buzzwang Babylon," The fat Buzz Baby chirped.
"Buzzwang Babylon," Zach sighed.
"We're glad you asked that," a Buzz Baby pulled out a large list. "Demand number one. The complete set of Golden Girls DVDS and the Golden Palace DVD."
"Betty White rules!" The Buzz Babies chirped. "Bea Arthur! Bea Arthur!"
"Demand number two: A DVD player to watch the Golden Girls and Golden Palace DVDS," The Buzz Baby read. "Demand number three: An extra large Tri-D screen with surround sound, picture in picture and satellite hookup. Demand number four: New video games."
"I sense a pattern here," Shane groaned.
"Demand number five: Jell-O, lots of it," The Buzz Baby chirped. "Demand number six: two hundred car batteries and jumper cable to go with 'em. Demand number seven…"
"Hold on!" Zach held up his hand. "Exactly how many demands do you have?"
"Only fifteen," The Buzz Baby said. "Demand number seven: Bea Arthur's bra! Or a bra from any of the Golden Girls. Demand number eight: The right to whack Senator Wheiner like a piñata for thirty minutes. Demand number nine: To have someone tape us whacking Senator Wheiner like a piñata for thirty minutes and make several dozen copies."
"I volunteer for that job!" Shane held up his hand. "Anything for diplomacy!"
"I think it's safe to say we all agree on demands numbers eight through nine," Ambassador Domani told them. "What else?"
"Demand number ten: Our own Tri-D show. We wanna call it 'Whacking Senator Wheiner Like A Piñata For Thirty Minutes'," The Buzz Baby went on. "Number eleven… Oh wait we only have ten demands."
"I think we have a deal," Ambassador Domani agreed. "Why don't we do the Wheiner thing now and we'll get the rest later."
"Okey-Dokey Smokey Pokey!" The Buzz Baby shook her hand. "Boys! Get the piñata sticks!"
"I'll go get a camera!" Shane said cheerfully.
"I'm getting a very interesting education in diplomacy," Zach Jr. blinked.
"I'm getting too old for this insanity," Zach groaned.
"At least they were cheap to pay off," Buzzwang said. "Relatively."
"Interesting choice of words Buzzwang," Doc rolled his eyes.