Commander Cain Adresses The Troops
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Commander Cain Adresses The Troops
by Red Witch
Rated: T
Summary: A new leader takes the reigns at BETA. And you thought things were crazy under Walsh...
Commander Walsh took off with the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Galaxy Ranger characters except for Commander Cain. I made him up. If you've read Tangled Web you know that Cain is now in charge of BETA. If you haven't read Tangled Web go do it! Not only will this fic make sense but I could use the reviews!
Commander Cain Addresses The Troops
"All right boys and girls, this is your new commander speaking. The name's Cain. Commander Edgar Cain. Some of you may have heard of me and I'm here to tell you only half of what you've heard is true. Now you may be wondering where the hell Commander Walsh is and I'd like to know the same. I'd like to know where the jerk is along with that two million dollars he stole at the end of the civil war. And that's not even the worst of his offenses!"
"Since Walsh has run out of town like an accountant who stole a lot of money from a mob boss I'm in charge now. Apparently they couldn't con any other sucker into taking this job so here I am. What do you need to know about me? I like golf, long walks on moonlit beaches and I am a Leo."
"I can just hear some of you right now saying 'This guy is no Commander Walsh' and I hope to god I'm not! I know some of you liked the guy but I didn't and trust me I have a dozen good reasons why. These reasons I will post later on the bulletin board in the cafeteria. The point I am trying to make here is that I am here. Walsh is gone. Get over it."
"Now it would be easy for anyone new coming into this situation and complain about how lax discipline was under Walsh's administration. It would be easy if that person lived in a cave on Mars for the past two years. But I actually did some research on some of you nuts and I know for a fact that it was all Commander Walsh could do to put up with you lot. Quite frankly I'm amazed the man didn't crack sooner. Considering all he went through it is no wonder the man took off with as much money as he could. Probably considered it hazard pay. So just so there will be no confusion there are going to be one or two dozen rules I am going to go over right now so that this transition will be as smooth as possible."
"First of all I'd like to remind you people that targets on the target practice range cost money. And we all know damn well that Gooseman is not responsible for all of them being destroyed so quickly. That excuse is no longer going to fly anymore. Not even all the Series Five Rangers are responsible. You all know who you are and more importantly so do I. I will be contacting all of you with a bill at the end of the month for your share of the destroyed targets should we run out."
"The next problem I'd like to address is all the gambling that is going on. As of now all betting pools, poker games and stupid contests are banned. Unless of course I get a cut. Since BETA is running short of cash, most of my proceeds will go to keeping this place from going into hock. And maybe one or two dollars to get myself some new golf clubs."
"Ranger Hartford after this announcement I'd like to see you in my office to discuss your new position as Official Gambling Supervisor and Bookie. Oh and bring the stats for today's horse races."
"Now my next topic is on fraternization. I'm for it. Seriously, I don't care what you people do with whoever or whatever on your own time. I love listening to gossip and it helps the betting pools we have around here. But on missions try to keep your personal lives out of it. So Ranger Niko if you wouldn't mind not threatening every female that comes on to Ranger Gooseman I would appreciate it."
"And Ranger Gooseman I really would like you to cut down on the crash landings we have here. Seriously, I've been looking at the statistics and you are the number one reason for crashes and destroyed ships. I mean it. Any more and I'll start taking the damage repairs out of your paycheck."
"That also goes for any holes in the wall made Captain Foxx. And Q-Ball."
"Q-Ball, you, Buzzwang and any other researcher here has to run all projects and their budgets by me before you even think of working on another invention. The last thing we need is another Buzzwang's Folly incident here. I will not pay another nine million dollars for a pack of sentient vending machines. Even if some of them give out free booze."
"While you're at it, make some vending machines that give out free booze!"
"Since I mentioned the Buzzwang's Folly incident I'd like to take this opportunity to address the lousy security BETA Mountain has had in the past. Now to my knowledge this is supposed to be a highly classified military base. Not only is this the galaxy's most powerful law enforcement agency but also holds some of the most sensitive and classified military secrets on Planet Earth. To top it off many important officials, from alien ambassadors to politicians to scientists arrive and work here every single day."
"So why is it that any moron with half a brain is able to waltz in here and do whatever the hell they want? I mean it. It's embarrassing. I'm adding at least fifty Rangers to security duty as well as upgrading our defense systems so we will be protected from renegade scientists, Plagos, insane mutants, mob flunkies, demons, space sorcerers, rampaging toys or whatever the hell else is able to sneak around in here."
"That reminds me, Gooseman please for the love of all that is holy keep your damn memory bird away from the top secret archives. And don't let him push any more buttons! Fortunately the missiles only hit a garbage dump outside of New Jersey and I was able to convince the governor that it was part of my plan to eliminate toxic waste in his state. But next time we will not be so lucky and that bird won't be lucky! Got it?"
"Speaking of annoying little pests, I'd like to have a word with those of you with children. In the future could you please let the highly trained qualified Rangers and security personnel deal with any crisis. Do not send your children to do their jobs! Again this is rather embarrassing. BETA is still trying to save face after the whole Mothmoose incident and again the whole Buzzwang's Folly incident. This is not some cute cartoon where the plucky kids save the day and all the grownups are idiots."
"And to all those security personnel where the hell were you people during that whole Buzzwang's Folly incident in the first place? At a bar or something? I am making a mandatory review for all security personnel so the next time we get invaded we won't have to rely on people who still need to sleep with a night light on. And I'm not talking about Ranger Allen."
"Also to save time I am mandating an order keeping any and all alien ambassadors, foreign dignitaries or anyone with an ounce of importance away from any bizarre new discoveries of some weird alien artifact or alien technology. We all know what happens when these things mix together and it almost always ends up as some kind of interplanetary incident. I'm just employing some common sense here."
"Another bit of common sense. Lingling Berries. Don't bring them here if you know what's good for you."
"Let me say a few words on personal calls. I don't care if you have to call your families, girlfriends or bookies. Those calls are reasonable and understandable. But whoever's calling the Interplanetary Shopping Network, The Hot Person Party Line and Dial A Prayer better lay off for a while. Again I will find out who you are and personally present you with the bill. With interest."
"I'd like to state my policy on drugs in the workplace. I think in some cases drug use should be made mandatory and enforced on certain individuals. For starters the individual who drew that picture of Jerry Garcia on my ceiling with lipstick. There will be mandatory drug testing at certain periods and if you are caught without any substances in your body, you'd better get some inside you pronto because we all know only a complete nut job would be a Galaxy Ranger in the first place. All unauthorized drugs found will be confiscated and sent to my office for testing. Particularly those in bottle form."
"I'd also like to touch on the sexual harassment policy we have. Particularly the female rangers who if they are not careful will end up in a body cast courtesy of Ranger Niko if they don't stop hitting on Gooseman. If you really want to date someone gorgeous with fabulous hair and real power: I like margaritas, classic rock music and I have some great dance moves."
"Which leads me to a little something I call the Twelve Commandments. Little rules I have come up with so that we will all get along in harmony and make life go much smoother around here. They are as follows:"
"I am your Commander, ergo the Lord your God around here. Don't piss me off."
"Thou shalt not lie to me. I'll find out what you're up to anyway."
"Thou shalt not murder your team mates unless I give you permission to."
"Thou shalt not interrupt my golf game."
"Thou shalt not wake me up in the middle of the night for anything other than an alien invasion or Armageddon."
"Honor my liquor cabinet. Don't steal my stash."
"Thou shalt not set my desk on fire, even if it is on a bet."
"Do not criticize my taste in office decoration. I like things a little flashy and gold goes with everything."
"Poker Night is Holy Night. The same is true for any major sporting event."
"Thou shalt not try to break into my files, otherwise I shall unleash the fires of Hell, the demons of the underworld and the bastards from the IRS upon you. We all know that last one is the most dangerous."
"Thou shalt not interrupt me if I am in the company of a nice lady except of course in the case of an alien invasion or Armageddon. I have a private life and I'd like to enjoy it."
"Don't bother trying to get blackmail on me or trying to expose what an ass I am to the people in charge. They already know."
"I just want all of you to know that my door is open. Until the repair crew gets around to installing a new door. Then you need to make an appointment. Unless of course you have a bribe. Nothing fancy. A wallet full of cash. Some golf clubs. A nice bottle of sherry or any other alcoholic beverage. You get the idea."
"Well that's all! If you have any questions please keep them to yourself. Commander Cain out."
"He's out all right," Zachery groaned. "Out of his mind!"
"He's the best we could get to run this place?" Shane groaned.
"Something tells me working for Commander Cain is going to be anything but boring," Niko smirked.
"Oh and our lives were so dull before," Doc rolled his eyes.